Ok so here I go again, taking a few months to write another blog post. Not that this is some hip and happenin blog that everyone reads, but for myself. I sit here and reflect on why it has taken me so long to start typing again and I realize now that its because God has been pulling at my heart strings for some time now and I couldn't figure it out, and by "it" I mean everything. I couldn't figure anything out. So how was I going to type about something meaningful if I couldn't get right with God? If I couldn't stop asking him "why" instead of saying "if it is your will".
This blog has been just a little diary of my life with my husband and daughter, I have been able to document so much of our lives and that has been great. I have loved looking back at special moments, parties, and seeing how things have changed. But one thing my blog has really lacked is the part of me that deeply thinks. And I am here to tell you, this mind deeply thinks. And ultimately isn't that what a diary really is, your deep thoughts? I enjoy being able to share our life on here and it does make me happy that people care to read what I have to say, or to even comment on a post. That is such a great feeling that someone has taken time out of their day to acknowledge what you have to say. But there is a problem, I want this blog to be less about me and more about Him. I want to share my heart in this blog, and let it give me the release I need. Because ultimately writing out my thoughts gives me clarity. Just like when you pray, have you ever prayed and as you were praying thought to yourself, "What in the world am I saying?? I just said Me, I, My 50 times! It is not my will, maybe I need to stop asking for the house and start asking God to reveal what the lesson is in this."
Which brings me to the whole reason I brought my fingers to these keys again. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and have had moments of doubt that I could get through it. Moments when I felt like it all rested on my shoulders. Moments when I felt like I had failed, wasn't good enough, even that I was better than my situation, better than trusting in God's plan and timing. And it's quite crazy how no matter what, God always brings you back, to the place where you realize its not about you. It is so easy to say words and not feel it in your heart. So many times I would say, "I know what God says, I know exactly how he tells us to get through the tough times, but I don't WANT to do that. I don't want to be the biblical wife I am called to be when my circumstances aren't ideal. I don't want to serve others when my needs aren't met. I don't want to keep my mouth shut when I feel like spiting out hateful words. I don't want to wait for my perfect home." And yet through all the disobedience I still wanted to be blessed. I still was begging for clarity and happiness. I kept telling God how worthy I was, and he kept telling me how unworthy I was but he loved me still. I have battled with God over what I deserved and he just kept telling me that my contentment is not in the things I have in this life but in Him and Him alone.
It doesn't matter if I go to church every sunday, it doesn't matter if I read a thousand books, it doesn't matter how much knowledge I have, it only matters that my life is changed so much that when my husband and daughter look at me they see Jesus. I had a friend tell me a while back that she saw a bumper sticker that said "life with Jesus is better" and she said it reminded her of me. I don't think she understands what that meant at the time, but I will never forget it. The problem that I have now is, do my husband and daughter see Jesus in me when I let my anger get the best of me and yell and be disrespectful? I realize God's tests are not to grade us, but to grow us. It doesn't matter if you "got through" the trial, it matters that you learned from it. We will never be worthy, we will miss the mark every single time. But I am loved so much by a God that passionately pursues me every single day, and I owe it to Him to passionately seek him in everything I do, in my marriage, in my motherhood, in my friendships, in my work, and in the core of my being.
So here I am, feeling clarified.
God promises he will provide. Just because he isn't providing me with what I want right here and now, doesn't mean he is a liar. It means that I am to trust the promise giver MORE than the promises given. He will fulfill his promises. Today, tomorrow, maybe 10 years from now. But my contentment comes from faithfulness and passionately pursuing the heart of God like he passionately pursued us in his love story called The Bible.
Here's to showing these two a little more grace and a lot more of Jesus.